So, since I began this blog to share my insights about parenting a child with AS, I thought I’d share some news as well. This might not turn out to be an advice post as most of my other ones in this blog are.
This month we are going in to see a battery of doctors who will be testing and prodding and poking and hmm-ing at our older son, referred to in this blog as AS, to provide us with an official, medical diagnosis of his condition. That being said, we may find out that AS doesn’t have Asperger’s at all, but we are pretty confident that we’re going to hear a panel of professionals tell us what we already know - that he does have this condition and his case is on the mild side.
The question is begged: why are we even doing it if we know the outcome? For us, I think it’s about closure. We’ve spent the last three years (since he was just turning 2) trying to figure out why none of the “traditional” parenting skills were particularly effective, why several of the things which should be easy to understand for a child are like throwing a glass of water at a forest fire, why we’ve had to be so unconventional and “work so hard” to get him to the functional level he’s at today. So, we don’t need a doctor to tell us that he’s got AS so that we can feel like we’re battling a known thing or so that we can feel like what we’ve done was “worth it” - we’re not trying to compartmentalize our child. We are more interested in using the resources which become available to us when he is indeed diagnosed to build upon the foundation we’ve tried to give him. It’s what any concerned/proud parent would do.
Of course, I will post the outcome of our visits. Even if AS is proven medically not to be officially AS, I will likely keep maintaining this blog as long as there are readers for it.
Hello parents. Today I want to talk about something a little less parent-focused and a little more diagnosis-based. I promise not to diverge from my own experiences and advice too often, but I will share some personal experiences in this post as well.
It’s commonly-held that Asperger’s Syndrome is rarely alone in the mind of a child. Often, AS is either mistaken for some other condition, or it is properly diagnosed and later discovered to also be symbiotic with another psychological/genetic/emotional/otherwise distressing condition. Briefly, I want to touch on what these are. Parents, this isn’t to increase your level of paranoia; I’m going after awareness, I promise.
This information is transcluded from aspergers.com, a publicly-available website offering this information at no charge.
Asperger’s Disorder may not be the only psychological condition affecting a certain individual. In fact, it is frequently together with other problems such as:
Most likely, you believe your AS child has ADHD or OCD unless their particular case makes them especially sedentary. I’ve believed that my AS son has ADHD for quite awhile, yet he has been successful in school once he learns the routines of attending. The truth is that it takes a medical professional (in many cases a developmental pediatrician specializing in psychological disorders) to accurately diagnose any of these conditions. The one exception to that statement is ODD, which is actually a behavioral condition rather than a psychological disorder.
What should we do as parents? I recommend some research; use this Internet - that’s what it’s there for. Secondly, I recommend you discuss all of your concerns with your child’s pediatrician. Chances are that if you’re battling AS at home, you’ve already done this. After that, reach out and ask for others to share their experiences. That is the purpose of this blog, and I hope that others can benefit from what I place here. So you all know, I normally have my AS son with me when I am posting in this blog since he is infatuated with computers; he is a constant inspiration for me to provide genuine life experiences.
I’ll be posting about something more close to home next time.
Oh no; it’s inevitable. Parents realize the onset of an AS meltdown about 2 thoughts before the AS child self-realizes that their routine - their woobie - isn’t going to be there this time or beginning with this time through some course. One of the hardest things to do as an AS child’s parent is impart change. Yet, change happens all around us every second undeterred. What is it with this one routine which makes it an impossibly-hard challenge to adjust, even if the adjustment is a small one? Let’s think about this for a minute.
I’ve said this before - but I have a lot of new readers (and thanks for reading) - let’s consider the mind of a child with AS versus a “normal” child. A “normal” child’s mind is quite like a car; it drives on a road from point A to point B, and often realizes that there is more than one way to get from A to B, but chooses a preferred route understanding that other routes offer different opportunities along the way. If the preferred route is unavailable, a secondary route can be taken with minimal interruption and may prove to be better than the original. So, what about a child with AS? Their mind functions quite like a train; they are quite capable of getting from A to B in a timely fashion, but there is only one real path to accomplish it. Changing the route somewhere in the middle often causes a cascading effect if it is even possible; but, rarely the train is able to switch onto a different line and still arrive with little impact.
Let’s use this to discuss children’s routines and use the start to finish of a routine as A to B. AS children have one method that they will use for any activity, though in some milder cases adaptability is a moderately-developed skill and this is less true. AS children do not want to comprehend change - they are stepping out of their safety zone into some vast unknown realm of chaos, much like a train jumping its line. How do we impart change as parents?
I’ve talked to many parents who have tried either brute force or bribery to no avail. I’m also guilty of trying the bribery approach with mildly-successful results. But in trying to be a parent who wins over the hindrances of AS, I wanted to find a way that’s both effective and not based in false-pretense. I’ve learned that demonstration is the best way for my aspie to accept a change. What works for me is what I call the “watch papa” approach.
Ok, so that sounds well and good, but my kid’s already tuned me out and is melting down so I can’t try that. Yes, I hear you; yes, it happens. I deal with that all the time - using the method of small decisions I described in my last post, first I aim to get my child calmed down enough to listen to what I’m saying. If I am trying to enact something simple, I break down the changes themselves into the decision process and get it done that way. However, this is also effective in a proactive manner - and this is how I recommend doing it to prevent said meltdown. Parents normally know in advance that they’ve got to make a change to a kid’s routine. The key here is to introduce it to the child before you actually need it to be accepted whenever that’s possible. A good time to do this is immediately after something that they enjoyed doing, or alternately whilst they are playing - you should always try to choose a happy time. Right when kids wake up is not normally a happy moment for them, so don’t try it then.
So, in review - change happens. Be proactive. Make kids make decisions if necessary. Don’t be fake.
Before I begin this post, I’d like to first state my personal position on this topic. I teach my children an appropriate, truthful representation of how to think of Santa Claus; both my AS son and my younger son alike hear the same story. In my other blog, I go on a somewhat personal rant about this very topic.
Now, my AS son is 4 and this is the holiday season where millions of children are anxiously awaiting a visit from Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, or whatever name he may go by in other countries around the world. Natually, my son is anxiously awaiting a similar thing, but only because he hears it at school, and what he hears at school differs from what I teach him at home. So there’s confusion with him, and as AS parents we know that confusion is not a good thing for our children.
Every time we go shopping somewhere, there is a “mall santa” waiting to have pictures taken with all the sniveling kids in line with their soccer mom mothers drinking a mocha soy chai latte on their cell phones in their bone-white-goose-down vests with the faux-fur lined knee-high snow boots and completely oblivious to the fact that their kids are ripping up the fake landscape. My AS son always says, “What are they doing?” to which I always answer, “They are telling their children that they don’t care about them.” And my AS son always looks like he doesn’t understand, but I know he does. He’s not tempted to go sit in the lap of some old, fat codger because he knows a different version of the Santa Claus legend. If he ever asks me who the person they’re waiting to see is, I say that someone “who represents Santa Claus for children to give their wishes to”.
See, I believe deceit is something which children do not forgive so easily. What’s more is that AS children may not have the ability to forgive - this is my son in some ways. Memory like an elephant, he will never forget situations where the expected outcome was not what he expected or if he was surprised [startled] while we were out. He is still talking about a visit to the zoo 2 summers ago (he was barely 3) where a roaming goose snapped at his hand for offering it a peanut.
Ultimately, many AS parents are often wondering the same thing with their young children; do we tell them a story about Santa Claus which may make them happy for right now but we know will devastate them later? Or, do we tell them the truth and spin the truth in a positive manner so that everyone is happy? For me, there isn’t much of a choice.
I’ve found that lots of AS children have an affinity for music, specifically drumming, because it is a motor skill that they can be good at even by approximating movements. My AS son is a die-hard fan of the Blue Man Group - when their music is playing everyone has to be quiet so he can hear it well enough to air-drum along (the same is true with guitar hero 3 - he likes about 5 songs on that game that he will air-drum for the whole song). But BMG is by far his favorite music.
If you’re not familiar with BMG, go onto youtube and look for a video of Tracy Bonham and/or BMG doing a song called “Up to the Roof”. This is a good one that’s live. Somehow, my son who is 4 years old understand this song, and it is now his “anthem”. Considering the challenge of being a kid with AS, I think it’s appropriate. The lyrics are below; what do you think? What is your AS child’s personal anthem?
All I see is not for me. What I want you have not got.
Tried to use things you sold me, no matter what the cost Tried to go the way you told me, but each time, I got lost The stairs didn’t lead me anywhere!
I’m taking the fire escape up to the roof. Don’t care if it’s not the way you find the truth. Time to make this right: to rise above.
This room and all of you Who say I should do like you would Tried to live the life you sold me, no matter what the cost. Tried to walk the way you told me, but each time I got lost The stairs didn’t lead me anywhere!
I’m taking the fire escape up to the roof. Don’t care if it’s not the way you find the truth And when I get up that high, I don’t know what I’ll find But I’d rather look at the sky than wonder why I let you take my time Time to make this right: to rise above.
I’m taking the fire escape up to the roof. Don’t care if it’s not the way you find the truth And when I get up that high, I don’t know what I’ll find But I’d rather look at the sky than wonder why I let you take my time. Time to make this right: to rise above. Time to make this right: to rise above
I hope that the title is clear; I’ve found something positive to teach my aspie son. Sign Language is a big victory for my aspie - while he is completely capable of well-structured speech (not all Aspies are) in multiple languages, I’m finding that teaching him ASL has been a great way for him to not only improve his overall communication skills, but also to help him grow his vocabulary and to allow him to convey ideas when he either doesn’t know what to say or when he goes into a non-verbal tantrum over something infinitely minor.
Is anyone else with an aspie child doing this? I have been using the Signing Time video series by Rachel de Azevedo Coleman checked out from the local library in series. It’s been amazing to watch him learn so quickly. Like many aspies, he is particularly intelligent yet quite out of focus with his surroundings most of the time; however, he is able to tune in for these videos non-stop and he really gets a lot of enjoyment out of this series in particular.
Parents don’t neglect to watch the videos with your aspie long enough to learn the signs yourself. You’ll be surprised at how easy ASL is to learn, and how effective it can be for helping you reach your sometimes unreachable child(ren).
My Aspie son is 4, and is in his second year of preschool. We enrolled him in a preschool that is actually part of the elementary school in our district so that he could get used to going to an actual school instead of some other place that, once he gets to be kindergarten age, he wouldn’t go anymore. We were thinking at that time (which was before we learned about his condition) that it’d be a good thing to do, and so far that has been the case. Now that we’ve learned that our older son is an Aspie, we are glad that he is in the exact same preschool classroom as last year with a lot of the same kids as last year, and that next school year he will be going to the same school but in a (gasp!) different room.
Last year, he was seemingly shy and a little bit detached from the rest of the class. Everyone thought that was just him exhibiting some shyness and some discomfort with being away from home and from his mother because it was truly his first time outside the care of a parent. This year, after spending a summer of growth in Japan, he is incessantly talkative and is actually communicating with the other students, albeit he often tries to talk to them in Japanese and they have no idea what he’s saying.
The way Asperger’s manifests itself in our son is that he is generally unaware of situational context. Now, a lot of 4-year olds are the same way to a degree, but with him it is a constant struggle for him to do such simple things as lower his voice, stop talking, stop playing when it’s time to be serious, or even listen when he’s being told what to do. It’s one of those things that is starting to wear thin at the preschool, where he is starting to develop a less-than-ideal pattern of behavior in class. So, we’ve gone from this bashful, quiet yet slightly inattentive 3-year old child to this rambunctious, randomly loud, excitable 4-year old with a penchant for blowing raspberries at the other kids when he either doesn’t know what to say (in English) or doesn’t like what they’re doing. And if someone tells him to stop what he’s doing too many times or in a too-strong voice, you might as well have just fried the side of his head on a griddle.
Here in the Denver area, there’s outreach available. We’re fortunate to have a school district (Littleton Public Schools) that provides developmental screenings for *free* and then they provide guidance, coaching and referrals to appropriate counseling and developmental psychology folks as well as classes for the parents to learn how to cope/handle/deal/manage/remain sane with an especially young Aspie.
So, Aspie parents, have you had the school battles? And what are you finding is effective to curb behavior which you want to reserve for at home or completely eliminate? You’re welcome to submit via the contact form below and I will post your submission once I moderate it.
In my first post for this blog, I am out to capture experiences from parents of children with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) from all over the world. If you are one such parent, be proud and say so in a comment for this post. Feel free to share an experience, advice or anything else you wish to share about being an Asperger parent, but please do so in a positive way.
